Earthly Father Vs. Heavenly Father
Service on Father’s Day was so enlightening to me. I think over the past two and a half years on my journey to build a relationship with the Lord, I am starting to heal the void I thought I had my entire life. At three months old my mother and father split and my father would come around every once and a while when he had too much to drink.
I remember my mother arguing with him telling him he wasn’t going to take me because he had been drinking. Most of the times he was coming over it was about 10pm at night. I remember being so angry at my mom because then as a child I didn’t understand she was trying to protect me. Now being a mother of two, I totally get her side and where she was coming from.
Around the age of two my mother remarried and the man she married treated me as his own. This was only temporarily as my mother and him divorced 4 years later after having two children. The one thing about him I always respected is he knew how absent my father was and he would always pick me up when his weekend came around to pick up my siblings. I appreciated him doing this but I always felt like I was a bother, although he never made me feel this way. Im not sure why, but I longed for a relationship with my biological father, someone who was blood, someone I can cuddle up to and who would be my protector.
As years went on and as I began to become a teenager, I found myself looking for love in boys. I ended up pregnant at the age of 15 by someone who I would spend 8 unfaithful and abusive years with. Resulting in two children. Still when I got the courage to leave, I found myself longing to be loved. I tried to rekindle my relationship with my biological father and although there were times I was hopeful, it was never really promising. The effort on his part was non-existent and I found myself broken hearted every time. So, instead, I found myself looking for that love in men. Yes, I had my step dad still in my life, years after my mom and him split, he never left my side. But to me it wasn’t the same. He had his children (my siblings) and I was never really HIS. During the years some glimpses of this would happen, where he had to chose sides and I would always tell him that I wasn’t his biological child and I understood whose side he had to take. It was extremely hard for him but we knew what it was.
Fast forward to my late 20s entering my 30s, I met and married my husband. He reintroduced me to the Lord’s love and I found myself interested in learning more about religion and building a relationship with God. I went on a church retreat for women and was provided a letter written to me from God. The end of the letter got me because it said “Love your loving Father”… it was at that very moment I realized I had never received a letter from my father, from anyone at that, calling me their daughter. I started to realize all my pain had been coming from me wanting a father to love me and I sought it in all the wrong places, while my Father was with me all along. This was reaffirmed for me a few weeks back at another women’s conference and a speaker told the audience, “no man loves you more than Jesus”… it spoke to my heart. As if that wasn’t enough, this past weekend at church, our pastor said to us, “Do not allow your past pains from an earthly father prevent you from present pleasures from a Heavenly Father”. SOOOO touching. I wasted so many years searching for a father’s love in all the wrong places when it was right in front of me all along.
I only wish I recognized this sooner, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to stay in a toxic relationship as long as I did, I would have understood my worth sooner, I would have not wasted time on guys who didn’t love Jesus… I would have done so many things differently. If you are currently in the situation I described above, I pray sister/brother, that you create a relationship with our Father… he will not forsake you and he is ALWAYS faithful! Get out of the unhealthy cycle and leave your burdens at the cross.